Happy Birthday, Teme!
by SandmanAndKitsune
Summary: In which Naruto was confused of what he should pick for Sasuke’s birthday present, and decided to take Kakashi go for a shopping… worst choice. Rated M to be safe


**Disclaimer :** Kishimoto had promised me to give Naruto in exchange for his twin brother whom I abducted… but he lied. HE USED THE FREAKIN' AKATSUKI, DAMMIT!! THAT CHEATER!

**Summary :** In which Naruto was confused of what should he pick for Sasuke's birthday present, and decided to take Kakashi go for a shopping… worst choice. [Rated M to be safe

**A/N :** …Is it just me, or I _always_ wrote a one-shot whenever I'm bored? Anyway, this rather silly one-shot is dedicated to my friend, **'Kendonall'**, for being such a wonderful person who always reviewed my stuff, and made me very happy! Thank you very much, hun! Luv ya. I've tried to re-read and correct it a little, a few little parts is revised, but I hope you don't mind.

Enjoy!

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It was Sunday morning when Naruto ripped the page of his calendar, the page underneath it showed him a big number of '22', and huge letters of 'JULY' written at the top.

Plus some lines of words resembled chicken scratches written below the '22', it said; _'Dun' forget!! Tomorrow is Sasuke's birthday-ttebayo!!'_ and a picture of a bald, round face with slanted eyes and big toothy grin, placed at the end of the line.

Naruto paused.

"…oh, crap."

**Happy Birthday, Teme!**

Naruto always got confused when it came to pick the right present for Sasuke. Let see… every year on Thanksgiving, Valentine (…what? Can't a boy give a chocolate to each of his friends?), Christmas Eve… especially the most important day for the raven; _his birthday_.

Why? Because Sasuke was really hard to read, that's why!

The blonde thought as he walked down the street, with crossed arms and a hand cupped his chin, heading toward the direction of his favorite ramen stand of all times; Ichiraku. Recalling the memories of the gifts he gave Sasuke on those days, Naruto wrinkled his eyebrows.

Sasuke's birthday last year… he gave him a brand new set of custom-made kunai with Uchihan red fan symbol engraved on the surface near the handle—which expense had made Naruto's Froggy-chan reduced to nothing but a pair thin vinyl fabric pressed together, dust and flies was the only inhabitant there for months. In Valentine day, because Sasuke loathed sweets, Naruto gave him a bar of dark chocolate (and Sasuke treated him at Ichiraku on the white day), and last year's Christmas, he gave Sasuke a leather purse with Uchihan symbol sewn on it.

And Sasuke received all of the mentioned gifts with bored and enigmatic expression as usual, and thanked Naruto with a very simple "Thanks".

…The blonde would've killed him right there and then, if he didn't have immense patience for his best friend's bastardly attitude! And he even had to work in A-rank missions for weeks to buy that custom-made Kunai set!! At least show some gratitude with proper reaction!!

Naruto sighed deeply.

Really, he didn't know what could make Sasuke happy. Even if he was his best friend, Naruto still couldn't understand Sasuke's alien way of thinking… the guy was too mysterious for his own good.

If only there was someone close enough to Sasuke… who knew _exactly_ what Sasuke wanted…

And suddenly, a very twisted (and unknowingly foolish) idea popped out in his simple mind.

"Kakashi-sensei!!" He shrieked radiantly, waving his hand as he saw his former teacher was walking out of a store, stuffing his face to his brand new 'Icha Icha Violence'.

Upon hearing his name was being called, the silver haired nin promptly pulled his masked face from his favorite porn, and caught the sight of his former student, running toward him. "Naruto! Long time no see!" greeted Kakashi, only visible eye curved upward.

"Yeah, I've been busy with missions and trainings lately!" Naruto muttered cheerfully. "By the way, Kakashi-sensei…"

"Hmm? What is it, Naruto?"

"Kakashi-sensei had once trained with Sasuke for a few days in the first Chuunin exam we participated, right?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "…well, yes, Naruto! Why did you suddenly asked me about this?"

Naruto stared up to Kakashi, baby blue eyes glimmered, and wide toothy grin split his face.

"I need your help!"

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"…so, you want to buy a birthday present for Sasuke, but didn't know which would make him happy?" Kakashi asked curiously, glints of amusement flashed from his only visible eye.

Naruto nodded furiously. "Yeah! Sasuke never shows his emotion-dattebayo, so I didn't know what he really thought of the presents I gave him… but this year, I wanna give him the best birthday present EVER!!" he exclaimed with a wide, cheerful grin displayed on his face. "But I don't have any idea what should I give him… so I thought you might know!"

Kakashi mentally aww'ed, eyes softened as he glanced at the sweet boy. _Aww…_ _how sweet, thinking of a present that could make his friend happy… But…_

"Something that will make Sasuke glad…?" Kakashi asked again, slightly hesitant.

Naruto promptly nodded. "Uh-huh, anything that would make him happy."

"_Anything_? Are you sure?"

Naruto cocked a blond brow, casting an odd look toward the older man. "Well, if it's about my budget, I have plenty inside my Froggy-chan. Or you don't know too?" Naruto's face fell in an instant, the wide grin was replaced by a very, pathetically disappoint look.

"N-No! I mean, _yes_, I know what Sasuke might want, but I don't think—"

Wait a minute…

_This actually might be amusing… _a sly smirk suddenly formed on his lips, contented with mischief.

"…alright, Naruto, follow me!" Kakashi exclaimed cheerfully.

"Ou!" The blonde responded, oblivious to the wicked glints his former teacher's eye flashed.

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Naruto entered a strange store Kakashi guided him to, named 'House of Doll', wondering and staring curiously at the foreign things displayed on the wooden shelf. Things resembled… oh, he didn't know, tools? Drugs? Was that costumes he saw!? Was this store a rental or something?

"Uh… Kakashi-sensei, why are we here?" Naruto hesitantly asked, feeling rather awkward somehow—though he didn't have any idea why.

"We're here to buy present for Sasuke, right? I knew a few shinobi equipments he might need in the near future. Hello, Gen-san!" Kakashi greeted the shopkeeper who sat at the cashier, a fat old guy wearing nerdy glasses.

"Well, good morning, Hatake-san! _Excited_ so early in the morning, eh? How is your little dolphin doing?" The old man named Gen replied, waving his hand.

"He's fine, he's fine. By the way, anything new?" Kakashi asked, only visible eye curved upward as he smiled under his mask.

Gen grinned oddly. "Look in the back, there's some good stuff there, fresh from the oven!"

"Thank you, Gen-san. Let's go, Naruto." Kakashi pulled the blonde aware.

"Oh… okay." And they went to the back of the store, Gen grinned at Naruto when he got past him, and the boy smiled back, awkwardly.

After they were at the back of the store like Gen had instructed them to, Kakashi hastily scanned at the stuff displayed on the shelf thoughtfully, his mind carefully selecting, while Naruto stood behind him, glancing at his former teacher, to the goods, to Kakashi again, dazed.

Then, Kakashi began to grab a few things of different shapes and form, and stuff it into Naruto's free hands. The blonde was a bit hesitant about it, but Kakashi was once Sasuke's private teacher (when he taught Sasuke his chidori move). And he was the closest person to Sasuke beside Naruto and Sakura… and he did said he knew what Sasuke really wanted, what _could_ and _will_ make his best friend happy, so Naruto could trust him.

…right?

After Kakashi satisfied with his choices, he stopped stuffing Naruto's face with the store's goods.

"Now, Naruto…" Kakashi muttered in whisper. "I will explain each of them to you I think the best to be Sasuke's birthday present. Listen carefully." Naruto tilted his head in confusion, but nodded anyway.

Kakashi grinned mischievously.

-----------

A few long moments later…

"…see? Do you understand?" Said Kakashi after he finished with his explanation.

Naruto nodded, scribbling Kakashi's explanation in a note, with reasonable details. "Yeah, but I want to ask something else, Kakashi-sensei." The blonde said, lifting his chin from the note.

"Then you're given the permission to, Naruto Uzumaki-kun." Kakashi promptly answered.

"So…" Naruto started. "What's 'uke'?"

Kakashi paused. "…where did you know that term?"

"Oh, it's written on the cover of a book I saw in that shelf over there, I was just curious, I've never heard of it." Naruto truthfully said, pure curiosity glimmered within the blue orbs.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Well… uke is… uh, give me your ears." And Naruto leaned closer to the older man, and Kakashi whispered to him.

When Kakashi finished, Naruto's eyes grew wide with realization. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "Then I'm gonna tell Sasuke that! Thanks, Kakashi-sensei!" he grinned widely at Kakashi.

"Your welcome, Naruto. But what are you planning to—"

"Gah!! Look at the time! I have to meet up with Iruka-sensei at Ichiraku! Gomen, Kakashi-sensei, and thank you for helping me!" Waving his hand, Naruto swirled on his heels, and dashed toward the cashier to pay, and immediately left in a jolt.

While Kakashi, being left behind.

_What does he mean by 'I'm gonna tell Sasuke that'?_ He mused bewilderedly.

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**The Next Day**

The next morning, as usual, Team Kakashi was supposed to meet up at the usual place.

That morning was special though, because it was Sasuke's eighteenth birthday.

But the said person, in the other hand, was pissed beyond belief since he walked out of the Uchiha compound early in the morning. Why? Because, his usual, ridiculously persistent, rabid fangirls _literarily_ showered him with wrapped presents and boxes the moment he stepped out of the gate. Drowning him within a rather huge pile of boxes and wrapped birthday gifts, he even didn't have time to say whether he accept or refuse the gifts, because those fangirls—some boys too—all congratulated him loudly in unison, and quickly ran away after that.

…which successfully annoy the Uchiha more, because he had to go back in, to stuff the presents into the storage—_again_.

That's why he hated holidays, especially valentine—because he _loathed_ sweets with much passion that even defeated his urges to kill Itachi.

Not that Itachi was still around to turn him into an asshole drama queen again—he'd killed the homicidal maniac after all.

Not that he hated his birthday presents, though, it really depend on _who_ gave it, not what was inside the colorful wrappings. Sasuke Uchiha only accepted presents from certain people. For example his rival and best friend, Naruto Uzumaki, the one and only person he acknowledged as a man of the same level. Everything Naruto gave him purely from affection toward a friend, not because he wanted or expecting something from the raven—like those fangirls who only wanted his attention with dazzling gifts, all for a stupid, ridiculous _crush_. Honestly, last year, when Naruto presented him a set of custom-made Kunai, Sasuke was utterly awed and touched by Naruto's gift, he would've gawked at the blonde when he accepted the said present—if he wasn't an Uchiha.

_No_—Uchiha do not gawk, ever.

So instead, he put on a false mask of calmness, it didn't necessary meant he didn't feel glad, it was pretty much the opposite.

So, when he arrived at the promised place, and his to best friends plus his former teacher—and was that Jiraiya? What was he doing here?—promptly approached him with big cheerful smile, wrapped presents in their hands, he couldn't help but to feel a bit moved. He didn't show it of course.

"Happy birthday, Sasuke-kun!" shouted Sakura radiantly, a wrapped box with pink ribbon on top in her hands, shoving it to Sasuke's hand.

"Thanks." Sasuke coolly said, as he received the rather big box, wondering a bit what was inside it.

"It's the a Jounin uniform with body armor and hand guard, you said yours were broken in the last mission, right?" Sakura explained with a sweet smile, and Sasuke merely nodded in gratitude.

"My turn!" Naruto suddenly exclaimed, waving his own present over his head. Sakura nodded understandingly and backed away, giving Naruto and Sasuke some private space.

"…so, I need some inspiration for my next book, but I haven't got any lately." Jiraiya said as he walked toward the two boys.

"Well, that's a pity, and I'm looking forward to the next volume of 'Icha Icha Violence'…" Kakashi responded, sighing. "Oh! Happy birthday, by the way, Sasuke!" Kakashi muttered cheerfully, face suddenly lit up.

…_perverted morons._ Sasuke mentally scoffed, while his hand was receiving Naruto's present.

After he had the orange box in his hands, Sasuke suddenly realized how _unreasonably_ heavy it was. Slightly curious, he wringed it, and shook it, hearing some rattling sounds, but still, he didn't know what was inside the obnoxious-colored box.

Naruto grinned as he saw the curiosity and confused behavior Sasuke showed, it made him somehow proud. "You can open it now, teme!" he suggested merrily.

And Sasuke did.

And then he instantly froze at the sight of his oh so-called _present_. Even his jaw dropped five inches down.

Curious upon seeing Sasuke's unusual reaction, Sakura approached Sasuke from behind, glancing down to the inside of the box, and then she too, gawked with wide eyes.

"Hehehe, surprised, aren't you?" Naruto stated proudly, hands in akimbo. "I'm gonna explain the function to you, teme, since I'm a nice guy and all." And then Naruto deliberately drew out a small note book from his pocket.

(Warning:the caged words below was what Naruto thought it was meant to.)

"First, this leather band." Naruto pulled out a small rubber ring from the box, while Sasuke's and Sakura's eyes followed the blonde's hand, still gawking. "You see, you put it on the head (of your kunai) and slid your finger in so it'll prevent you from losing (your grip from the handle), understand?" Naruto cheerfully said.

Sasuke was speechless. Sakura blushed. Jiraiya rose his eyebrows. Kakashi tried to hide his snickers.

But one oblivious blonde didn't heed the obvious shocked symptoms, and proceeded to the next thing. He pulled out some sort of device with a flat disk connected by thin wire with a some kind of switch, and demonstrated it ever so _distinctly_ and thoughtfully to his best friend.

"This is called vibrator." Naruto started. "Hmm… first you put it in like this," Naruto inserted the flat disk to the base of his thumb, when he did, Sasuke unconsciously swallowed his spit. "…then, you flip the switch like this," he flipped the switch, and it began to vibrate. "See! And it felt so _good_… I tried once before (the finger-massaging, when my fingers were sore)! It sure hit the spot!" Naruto laughed.

Obviously, no one followed him.

But the clueless blonde continued his escapade, he put the device back to its box, and pulled out another one; a gag ball attached with strings on each side and a set of leather binds.

"Okay, next is… this!" Naruto exclaimed, showing the gag ball to Sasuke's frozen face. "It's pretty useful, ya know! You put this to your adversary's (enemy's) mouth to prevent him (you can't do this to a girl, it's plain mean!) from screaming! And, and this one…" he lifted up his other hand with leather binds held in it. "You can bind his (your enemy's) legs and hands so he couldn't get away! And just pounce at him if he tries to!" Naruto stated radiantly, grinning.

Sakura pinched her nose to prevent the red fluid from streaming down.

While Sasuke, stood frozen, the mental images of Naruto's (un-caged) words ran freely inside his mind.

"Oh, and this is the best part!" Naruto said, as he grabbed something from the box, and pulled it out; a bottle. "Um, this is… what was it again?" Naruto promptly read the instruction written in his note.

"Oh yeah!! It's called _'__**lube**__'_!" he exclaimed loudly, Sasuke's brows twitched. "It smells like lemon! And uh… 'you can use it to slick your rod so it'll be easier to plunge into the tight, puckered petals'? What was that mean, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto twisted his head over his shoulder, glancing at his former teacher.

The said man quickly shook his head, playing innocent.

"You don't know? Oh well." Naruto muttered, as he carefully placed the bottle into the box again. "There're more, but I'll explain later! So, teme…" He trailed off, causing Sasuke to look at him, finally got over the wild mental images.

Naruto scratched his scarred cheek sheepishly. "You know, maybe we could share? I might need it (for missions) later!" he exclaimed.

Sasuke tensed, heat suddenly rushed up to his face.

"Or, we could use it together (if we are set in the same team)! After all…"

Something awfully red appeared near the raven's nostril, moving down so slowly.

"…I am…"

Sakura couldn't hold it much longer, she released her nose, and warm liquid dripped down to her chin, face heavily flushed. Kakashi, in the other hand, tried to restrain his snickers. Jiraiya watched Naruto with teary eyes proudly.

"…your BEST _**UKE**_ ever!!" Naruto finished dramatically, grinning ever so brightly.

And that was it.

Sasuke's nose had overflowed by blood, and with a very loud spurting noise, the said red fluid sprayed out of his nostrils, spilt to the ground and dripping furiously to his chin and hands, as he tried to stop the blood from flowing out.

Sakura fell to the ground, fainted.

Kakashi had burst out in a serial of mad laughter and incoherent murmurs.

Jiraiya wiped the tears in his eyes, and said; "My boy… you had grown to be a man! I'm so proud…"

When the blonde finally noticed their reactions, he turned panicked. "Wh-!? _Sakura-chan_!? Why did she faint!? Gah!! Sasuke! Are you alright!?" Naruto shouted concernedly, as he kneeled to the raven's level.

"…do you really mean that?" Sasuke suddenly muttered. Naruto gasped surprisedly and flinched a bit as he saw Sasuke's onyx eyes flashed strange glints, his thin lips morphed a very, oddly dangerous predatory smirk. "Wh-what?" Naruto asked, hiding the fact that he felt a bit scared.

"That you… are _my_ best **uke**?" Sasuke breathed heavily, slowly lifting his body, and leaned toward Naruto.

"Uh…" the blonde hesitantly said, as he backed away. A droplet of sweat spotted dripping down his temples. "Yes?"

The predatory smirk grew wider. "Then I won't hold back." With that, Sasuke stood and pulled Naruto into his arms, and with a poof of smoke, they were gone—to the Uchiha compound.

That left Jiraiya, Kakashi, and a fainted pink haired girl.

"…hmm, so that's what he meant by that…" Kakashi choked out, finding the situation _immensely_ amusing.

Jiraiya glanced at him curiously. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Well… When Naruto asked me what is 'uke' meant, I told him it means 'mate'…" he trailed off.

"…but I think he mistook 'mate' as 'friend'."

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That night, Sasuke Uchiha got all the present he ever wanted in his life. The best birthday gift.

The next day, the neighbors bought earplugs and commenting their bedrooms should be sound-proofed.

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**Owari!**

**A/N :** Ahahaha, humors all around, ne? This is the silliest thing I've ever wrote! Sorry, no smut today, I said that this fic is 'rated M to be safe' right? Because I don't think I could mention those toys in the T-section… Well, how's that? Like it? Hate it? Wanna put strawberry on top? Review, please? Tell me if this piece of writing is able to lift those pretty lips up, because it would make me smile too:) Well, off to write the next chap of Skirt Tragedy!

Ja, Mata Ne!


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